I’ve been 39 years old for 2 days now.
I’ve been dreaming of writing a book for many years now, and even started designing (TWO) blogs that I am still not satisfied with, so I’ve decided my husband is completely correct-I often spend so much of my time and worry making sure everything is, ‘just perfect,’ before I get to the , ‘the fun stuff,’ which is often times the most, ‘important stuff,’ too.
So, now that I am 39, I am going to try my best to have fun. Believe it or not, THIS is exciting to me. Clicking on that PUBLISH button is exciting. So, here we go…
It’s true. I overthink. It’s always been true with my work. In my most recent entrepreneurial adventure where I work from home, I spent the first month of my new, ‘job,’ Pinteresting our home office. (You should see it though; it’s adorable.) Most of my colleagues at my previous workplace were a lot like me, thankfully, in that they, too, enjoyed a creative work space. Yet, I still got some laughs when I would come in on a Sat to update my office walls with family pictures or, or when they’d find me making sure my pencils and sticky notes were in just the right place when they would stop in.
When I was a high school teacher, my second favorite part was organizing my classroom. (It makes me get almost excited as seeing a Hobby Lobby sign in the distance when I think of it!) I mean, as a teacher, not only did I have my desk to organize, I got to organize a space for 30 other people to reside. Rather than go in during office hours for grading or lesson planning, I’d find myself labeling drawers, organizing student supplies, trying to cover the blemishes on the wall with posters or custom bulletin boards. I loved the beginning of the year when I thought I had thought of everything to make everyone comfortable when they came to my classroom; fun quotes around the room that were familiar with teens, calming colors, and absurd products strategically placed to stimulate interest (I was a marketing teacher, of course). I wasn’t always sure what slide show I was going to present or what assignments I was going to give, but I was damn sure my students would feel comfortable when they came to my class. And safe; I wanted them all to feel safe. And, happy. I truly wanted all of my students to be happy when they came to my classroom. Or, at the very least, when they left my classroom.
Which gets me back to the bigger picture, I guess (and, I didn’t even pre-write or plan that easy transition:). My husband is right; I do spend a lot of time in the preparation phase of just about everything, before I get to the, ‘fun stuff.’ I’ve had over a year with many hours of quiet time for self-reflection which, in my case, is more like an internal combustion of sorts; I overthink everything I do and everything I’ve done and every situation in which I’ve been, and every person that’s been a part of those situations.
I overthink. At least that’s what I think:) I overthink. I overplan. I overdream. I overworry. I overexpect. I overdo. I overforgive. I overcare. I overlove. And, I often do miss out on the fun stuff.
But, [I think] I can tell you why:) Hell, everyone that knows me well can probably tell you why without even thinking about it. I want everyone to be happy-whatever the fuck that means. I try to make decisions that can make EVERYONE involved….happy. Sounds so pleasant, so innocently naive, so ignorant, so ridiculous when I see it in print.
But, it’s true-I want my colleagues to enjoy coming to my office; my students to smile while they are in my classroom; my family to feel as blessed as I do when they come over for a visit, or home from work or school. I LOVE that feeling-that feeling of making someone happy.
Let me clarify – I do not overthink about ways to make everyone like me – It’s hard to believe, I know, but, there are a few people out there that don’t like me. I’m pretty sure of at least one.
Like I said, I don’t lose sleep about people not liking me..no, not at all. I don’t put off pressing SEND or SUBMIT because I’m afraid of not being liked. It’s really not about ME at all-I just have a hard time moving forward with pretty much ANYTHING…if there is any doubt in my mind, that it can be done better. By better, I mean…could I accomplish the same SOMETHING in any other way that could be any more beneficial or less harmless on ANYONE..I know, it’s stressful just thinking about it, isn’t it? But, usually…it’s just so. damn. worth. it.
I LOVE the feeling of giving experiences, or providing opportunities, or creating environments where people can maintain, or better yet, discover joy or happiness-even if I’m not there-even if they have no idea I was ever there. I LOVE that. It’s fun to me… I’ve discovered it is the only fun stuff I know. And, for me, it’s the important stuff, too.
(I wrote the first draft of this blog post at 5:40 on 11/4/16. Today is 11/6/16. Point taken.)